Letter to Sherlock Holmes
by ravendore
Summary: It's a week after Sherlock jumped. John decides the only way he will be able to move on is if he writes down the thoughts and feeling he has swirling within him in the form of a letter; to Sherlock. One-shot.


It's been a week.

I've decided to write you this letter, since I won't ever be able to say these things to you now. Ella says I need to get it down; I don't know if I can. But I'll try.

First of all, why? Why did you jump? Why did you say it was a lie?

Why did you leave me?

No I don't care if sometimes I didn't understand you, or you acted liked a bloody dick. Even after everything you did, every body part I found in the fridge, you blowing things up at four in the morning; you meant...

You mean so much to me.

Meeting you, changed my life. For the better. Coming back from Afghanistan, having been shot, all I could see was man after man being mercilessly killed. I had no friends, all of them were dead. I couldn't take it anymore. I was almost where you were.

That gun- I didn't have it to protect myself.

But you managed to turn my life around. You're interesting, amazing, fantastic and bloody brilliant. What you did, what you said; there is nothing on this earth that could convince me it was a trick. Every detail you mentioned was always there, you were just the only one who looked- sorry, observed.

You may be wondering about the present tense thing. I can't do it

I can't bring myself to think about you being, not there. You've always been there, like a steady pulse. Ready to sent me off for information or for us to run around London on some ridiculous case. You kept me young. You kept me alive.

You're still here, in the corner of my mind. Never leaving

But you're fading. Even as I write this letter I can see you slipping from my grasp. I don't want you to go Sh-

Please, don't leave me

Second, I want to apologise. The last words I ever said to your face

I called you a machine.

I was angry I just, I was worried for Mrs Hudson and I thought you cared about her and you just didn't move

If I hadn't said those things would you have done it?

Was it me?

Oh god.

Everything I've ever said, any time I've had my doubts, please let me take them back. Please believe me. I trust you with my life-

I don't think you're a machine, I don't even believe you're a sociopath. You've just had too much hurt in your life, that's why you lock away your emotions.

I hope I am different. I hope you can trust me. I would keep any secret, do anything for you. Even though you puzzle me sometimes I

You are still and will always be my ...best friend.

Moriarty was real. I know he was. You hid it well but I could see it; the realisation when you figured out what he was doing, the frustration when you were deciding what to do. The fear.

He made you do it. I know he did. I bet he was up there with you, making you ju

Sorry. I just can't talk about it directly.

You were probably protecting somebody

Oh god

Was it me? Were you

Did you do because of me- oh god. No please

Thank you. I can't express how much that means

I would have done the same for you

I would have done...

Do you know what I realised in that moment? When I saw you jump?

When I ...heard the crack of your

skull on the pavement?

when I felt your nonexistent pulse

That you mean, so much to me

so much more than anyone has ever and will ever

and I'm sorry I never realised it

that I never got to tell you

If i did, would it change anything?

S h er

Sh e rlo

Sherlock.

I love you.

And if you ever know anything about human emotion, learn that nothing is as painful as a broken heart

that once your heart has been ripped in two seeing the only person you've ever loved, give up their life

its the most pain ive ever felt

you cant breathe

its like someones kicked you in the stomach

your nerves are on fire

everything feels numb

my heart may never heal Sherlock

it has passed on with you

take good care of it it may be all i have left to give you

its no good for me now, ive got no use for it the one person i love took it and broke it

yet I still love you

I always will

Thank you

Please

come back

See you soon

JW.


End file.
